remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize