life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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