he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
