the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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