Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
