so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
