he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
