What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My balls are so social today.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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