Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
