More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
