i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
