Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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