how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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