ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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