i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
