hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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