Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
