i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
