Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
