oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We smell like vodka and hangover
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