YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
