so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
