i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
