Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
