Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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