I think i sorta joined a cult last night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
