Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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