In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
