maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
