I think my fart just growled at me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
