who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
