So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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