the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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