I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
