i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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