your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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