My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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