Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize