i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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