I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
