By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She made me pour olive oil on her.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
