He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize