Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize