The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize