and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
