my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
