she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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