Pappa wants mamma naked
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
