He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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