Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
