Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
