My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
