I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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