I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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