I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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