now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
