Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
