i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
