Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
