you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
