Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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