you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
