i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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