Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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