Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize